(I'm sorry, I have been venting a lot lately.. but please forgive me)
I sound so needy because of the things I want. It's just that, they're not big things, but just little things. Good communication, support, encouragement, and things around that area. Yes, I understand that it was my choice to do all the activities that I do, but if those activities are what I love and make me the person that I am... why not just support me just a little bit in what I do? If a person respected you, they would respect the things you are involved in or interested in. I try my best to show full support in everything that a specific person does, and (I'm not going to say I don't get any) I guess I just don't get as much as I give. You know... which is okay. Sometimes it's just better giving more than receiving right? It makes me feel better. But when I sit back and look at the whole picture, I just feel like one end is tilting down lower than the other end. In this type of relationship, it should at least be somewhat equal. Or maybe in just my opinion it should be that way. I guess it also falls back on a person's personality and what they want out of something.
Ah, geeze look at all these mixed up thoughts. Well I guess I've just been feeling iffy lately. I'm happy and I feel good about it, but when I look at the whole picture... some of it doesn't seem to make me feel super happy. I've honestly tried my best in the past years to put interest in what ____ was interested in. The things _____ was going to do, plans for the future, and just... pretty much anything. _______ has interest in mine too, but sometimes I feel like it's because I force ____ to. I feel selfish for feeling like this, but what's wrong with being selfish sometimes? I've been pretty selfless for the past few years, and I don't think it's wrong to take initiative of my life now and be selfish. Why can't I just hear a "How's this coming along?" or simply just a "How's your day" or "Any new events coming up that you will be doing?" BUT, I also don't want it to be forced. It makes me feel worse when a person is only asking it because they feel like they have to, in order to please me. If you ask, I want it to be because you really mean it. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but maybe I don't have to ask. I don't want to change anyone to perfectly be fit to me. It's been a while and I've grown a lot. It's like what _______ said back then. "Eventually she'll start to learn what she likes and what she doesn't like. She'll learn about what she wants." And little bit little, I'm picking up some pieces and looking at it... and I don't want some, but I do want some other pieces. But I can't just grab a whole new piece that wasn't even part of that certain pile and try to glue it together. It'd be unreal .... leading to an unreal _________.
I can see it, but I can't.. It's a little sad. I'm a family-oriented person too. Actually... I'll just stop here. I'm just unstable. To add onto this, my only grandpa is in the hospital again. He has been fighting lung cancer and sicknesses for over 10 years now. The other day he ate some rice porridge, and started choking and couldn't breath. They rushed him to the hospital. The docs said the food can't process down to the stomach anymore, and so it went the wrong way and got stuck in his lungs. He can no longer eat or drink anything. So the family had a tough discussion: Do we let grandpa starve and eventually decide when it is his time to go? Or do we let him go through surgery so they can put food through a tube to this stomach, knowing that he has a 50/50 chance of waking back up? He just had his surgery today, but I haven't heard any news yet. I'm hoping that the surgery went successfully. I keep praying to God every night to help my grandpa through these hard times in this hospital. God knows when it'll be his time to go to Heaven. My grandpa has been fighting so much that I feel it may just be better if he let go, so the pain would go away. It hurts me so much to say it, but he's already in so much pain. I just want my grandpa to be good and content. But (it's a little selfish) I was really looking forward to the party our family was going to do for him and grandma this June. I really wanted to see him, hug him, and kiss his hand. He is the father of my huge family on my mom's side, and I respect and love him so much. I just don't want it to ever the be the end for anyone that I love.. So if you're reading this, please pray for my Grandpa and his health. Thank you so much.
I pray to God for strength and courage. For Him to help guide me in the direction that He feels I should go towards. To bless me with the confidence that I need to overcome obstacles I can't seem to figure out. To hold me when times are tough, and all I can do is cry on His shoulders. To hold my hands and walk through the dark tunnel with me, and show me the ways of coming back into the light. I pray for God to bless me in everything that I do, and to help me become a better person each and everyday. I know that I'm not perfect, but with Him next to me.. I have someone perfect to look up to and to follow. This I pray in Jesus' name, Amen.
XOXO Love, emily
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