FACEBOOK kicked me out because I'm on it too much... haha.  I can't get on it for another couple of hours, so... I guess it's a good time for me to get some HW done huh?  If I didn't have music right now, I'd probably just stop everything and go to sleep lol.  My world would probably stop spinning the day music is gone, but hopefully that day never comes.

Leaving to Wisconsin

I'm packing and I feel like I'm forgetting something..

And best thing about today?  My lovely camera is very shy, and always breaks down on me before any big occasion. It stopped zooming, the touch screen stopped working, then it stopped working on me period.  Thanks!  I needed it to record interviews for my Japanese final too! =|  I'm going to have to use Farthe's camera to record videos now, and for pictures in Wisconsin with the family at the funeral.

I'm confused of what I can bring onto the plane and what I can't.

1] I'm bringing a carry on luggage.
2] My purse, laptop, and side things?

But my brothers and them said I can only bring two carry on things with me.  So I'll have to bring my small purse to throw into my big bag, or maybe I'll just put my laptop in my luggage?  I feel like such a child, haha.  I'm so unsure on everything.  Especially since I'm traveling by myself.  I'm going to be walking around the Chicago airport like a lost puppy! lol.. I think everything will go fine though.  I'm just nervous.  Although I am really excited to see a lot of my family.  My cousins that I haven't seen in a while and the beautiful families that they've created. I can't wait to see their children!  It'll be a bittersweet reunion.  God bless everyone and may everyone arrive there safely.


xoxo love, emily

hmmmm...

Being the only daughter....  I wonder how my parents would react if I didn't marry a hmong guy and married a non-hmong guy?  lol....

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

Ever since I moved to Arkansas, this state has never seemed to fail on amazing me with the crazy weather it can get!  Today the school closed down due to flooding from the constant rain.  It has been raining for days now, and honestly.. I'm getting real tired of it! lol. Mainly because I don't own an umbrella (oops, I've only forgotten to buy for the past 3 or 4 days now)!  At least I've got my rain boots in the car though.  It just sucks because I've been in town for 3 nights now... and I really want to go home! lol.  I have no more spare clothes to wear, and I really want to see my Koco and family before the fly off to WI on Wednesday night.  I'm going to be flying there on Friday morning.  We're going for my Grandpa's funeral.  It's for a sad reason, but it's definitely going to be a good seeing all my family on the Vang side again.  The only downfall is that I heard it's snowing up there.  Great, lol.  I get a whole bunch of rain and then a whole bunch of snow!  I'm going to be an ice cube by the time I get back!

I also have to interview some Japanese friends this week for my Japanese final.  I'm a little nervous because I've kind of been lacking on Japanese this semester, and I'm not getting any better.  I should reserve more time on studying it.  I will this summer by watching more anime or dramas maybe.  For my final in the class, I'm going to make a video on Dating 101.  I'm asking them questions, and depending on their answers I'm going to be grabbing different scenes from various dramas to fit their answers.  And while the scene is playing, I'll be reassuring their answers with simple explanations of what the couple is doing in the video.  I'm excited to make it !  but i'm nervous about the Japanese.... =|  Wish me luck!! ***


xoxo love, emily

Breaking point

haha...  okay maybe I shouldn't laugh.  but because of the situation that just happened.. I just had to.


You said that you're at your breaking point?

I thought I was at mine too..

And I realized that after all the things you just said... I forgot why I was at my breaking point too.  Because of how guilty I felt for just one second.  And yes, I feel bad that it had to appear that way.. and I felt sorry for hurting your feelings.  But I honestly haven't done anything wrong, so I don't feel guilty.  I know you know that I'm vulnerable right now too, so anything you tell me to do.. I will do.  But... I don't know.. depending how the situation is handled.  I probably won't do everything because I feel bad.  I know where I stand at this point, and I'm not going to be pushed around anymore. It's been a long road ... long road...


love, emily

Stage 5

Sometimes... I wonder.  What are we holding on for? ...

Is it hope, comfort, or because we don't know what's going to happen next?

Blame it on the liquor...

Why do some people think that I'm an alcoholic?  Sometimes it really pisses me off.  I'm totally fine with the fact that someone is just joking around and saying it to me for fun. But when they're serious about it.. it makes me feel like they don't really know me enough, and that's how they were able to come up with a conclusion like that. Yeah, I'm a girl in college who drinks on the weekends sometimes with her friends?  People see this and point fingers --> You're an alcoholic.  That's why you do this and that! -- Um, excuse me?  Yes, I have the choice not to drink, and it'd probably be the best choice.  But I'm just one of those college students who like to drink and socialize with friends.  I'm at my prime here! lol... and after doing so much homework and activities and work and having tests.... who wouldn't need just a little drink at the end of the week?  It's not like I plan to get trashed/wasted every single weekend.  Yes, I'll admit some weekends it happens (but it's only because I had a small dinner or forgot to eat) OR some people are just out to get me! >:[   haha... When I first started college, you could probably portray me as the party girl.  Always ready to go out and about!  but going through these 3 years, when I look at myself... I can say that I've changed.  Yes, I still go out with my friends if there's a special occasion. But honestly.. I'm only human and I'm not perfect.  So people can judge me if they want to, it's fine.  Who doesn't judge other people?  But just from my prospective, I feel like I've grown in many areas of my life.  Whether it deals with my relationship, family, God, or the things that I do.  I may not be the possibly the best person right now, but.. I always say this to myself "It's never too late to change".  I know that I'll eventually get tired of going out and drinking.. which I'm already a little tired of.  But like I said, I'll still go out for casual events or special occasions.  Every girl needs some fun in her life sometimes!  And I can tell that recently, my weekends have changed.  I've been trying to do different things.

I'm not an alcoholic though, for anyone who believes that I am.  I enjoy casually drinking with friends and socializing.  Plus, I'd rather let it all out throughout these college years, rather than after college.. you know?

Anywhoo... thanks for reading :)


xoxo love, emily

 

Asians in America

So me and one of my friends were having a quick conversation the other night.  They said something and it shocked me at first, but then after thinking about it .. I was like yeah.  I think you would have a lot of potential in that field.  We were discussing about the fact that.. MOST asian parents want their kids to be ... you know the usual..  doctors, lawyers, computer technicians, dentists, pharmacists, and the list goes on.  Our parents want us to have the jobs that make the most money that will keep us stable throughout our lives.  I understand that some of them want us to have it because since they came here not knowing any English, some of them never got the chance to really use their knowledge that they had in school.  They just want to see their kids having a bright future, and so they know for a fact that their kids will be wealthy and living a happy life with the family that they'll create someday.

AND SO!! --- As we respect our elders and our parents, most of us do end up studying in the medical field,  engineering field, law school, technology field, and all of those difficult fields.  We want to make our parents proud of us, and to be proud of ourselves for being able to achieve something our parents wanted. (This is, of course, when we actually get the job lol..) And it really is great when something so high is successfully achieved.  -- BUT! -- remember that in the end, we still have to achieve something that really makes us happy as a person.  We still want to achieve something for ourselves to really make us proud of ourselves.  No matter what it is, even if it doesn't turn out as successful as you thought it'd turn out, we can still be happy with the thought that "AT LEAST we did it".  And that can make a difference!

For example, what if some of us want to become a comedian? an actor?  a singer?  a professional pianist?  professional painter??  Garbage man?!?  lol..  From experience, whenever I wanted to do anything from the drama/arts field.. it was always hard to tell my parents.  When I was 12, I said, "Mom! Dad! I really want to become a photographer!"  Mom would just tell me that they don't make money, so I should start thinking of something else.  When I was 14, I said, "Mom! Dad! .. I want to be a model....." (Even though I knew I'd never be tall enough to do runways or become famous or anything, but there's always little commercial things and little photo shoots I could've possibly modeled for) They didn't like the idea of it, but to make me a little happy .. lol, my dad did take me and some friends to open model castings in Nebraska when I lived there, and also in Arkansas when I moved here.  I did get call backs.. but who knew I'd have to be like $3000 to get training? ahhh, we were not banking yet!!  one guy did give me a discount/coupon and told me I had potential.. but thinking about the money, I just told my dad it was okay, and we left. In high school, I was in at least 2 or 3 plays.  I never thought I'd like it so much! Especially the musicals because I got to do almost everything I loved!  I got to dance, sing, and act on stage!  I mean I can say that I'm not the best actor out there.. yes.  But after some training, a person could have a chance of getting better?  The thrill in my stomach during these times were always ecstatic! I liked the roles I played.  So after high school, I took introduction to theatre.  BEST class I had that entire semester!  Probably the best one I've had during my 3 years ! lol.. *I know.. sad huh?*  But that class almost made me want to finalize my major... onto something in the drama field.. but I was honestly scared of what my parents would think.  I told one of my brothers, and he's like "you should do it!  Because honestly, do you even think you'll like business?  Remember.. Chi only got a degree in that, so it'd make mom and dad happy.."  I wanted to do it, but I also remembered my teacher saying it's fun being an actor, but it's tough.  You'll get call backs every here and there, and sometimes you won't even get a call for a whole year.  So you'll always have to find little part-time jobs that will let you take off 4 months when they do call you for something.  THAT was the part when I thought about my parents, and how they just wanted us all to be successful.  So then I declared my major in Marketing Management.

I always wonder, when the day is that we can finally just say what we want to do.  What we think we have potential in doing and becoming.  Even if I don't do great in it, I'd enjoy every minute of it and the experience that I gained from it.

Although, it's still a little tough for Asians right now in America to get signed to anything big.  BUT I can say that we are making progress!  (Just in my opinion) As asians, it's a little harder for us to get in the showbiz -- compared to caucasians, african americans, and hispanics.  But slowly, we're getting out there a little more.  I was real proud when FarEastMovement got signed!  And most proud of (especially since he's just a natural at what he does!) MANNY PAQUIAO!  Best boxer in the entire world!! And thanks to ABDC, talented dancers like Jabbawockeez and Kaba Modern.  I think what aggravates me is all of the talented asian-american musicians on youtube aren't getting signed to anything big (or at least, not that I know of).  One person, AJ Rafael.  I've been his fan of his music for so long.  I know he has a band and music out on Itunes.  Maybe they are signed? I don't know, lol.  Someone please tell me??  I know celebrities find talented people on there and sign them as their own "justin bieber".  He is honestly talented though.  Happy for him, and I like his music.

--- but anywhoo... I'm just hoping that one day it'll be easier for us to get in that showbiz light, so it makes me feel like we have more of a chance.  Then it wouldn't be so hard to tell our parents these things lol...  I mean, yeah they'd be proud of if we're doctors.  But wouldn't it be cooler if I were starring on Grey's Anatomy?!?  They could point out and say "That's my daughter!!"  haha.

After this little talk with my friend though, I think I am going to take that acting class next semester.  Even if it's not business. I won't be graduating for another 2 years anyways =(  sad.... all of my friends that I graduated with will already be out by then lol...

If you have any comments, let me know what you think :)  

Thanks for reading this long post if you've made it to this point!


xoxo love, emily

EMILY ROSE

hahaha... I was chatting with Osh on facebook earlier.. just about random stuff..  and out no where he goes,  "Don't watch Emily Rose..... ever!"  haha, so I'm guessing he just recently watched it.  I said that I thought it was pretty scary and haunted me a lot.  And then he's like.. do you want to see a picture of the real girl it happened to?   --- and my laptop cd thing just opened by itself --- then I was like.. dude.. stop scaring yourself! lol... go to sleep and pray first!!  ------ BUT he was just kidding.  Although he said he did see the real picture of the girl and scrolled down the page really fast, LOL.  ahh... my brother my brother.  I miss him and Chi and Carol a lot.  I'll be seeing them in 2 more weeks though :)


xoxo love, emily

Shout outs to:

Nickie Lo and Caitlin Mitchell 

for being my newest subscribers! :)  

Thank you!!

xoxo love, emily

Quote of the day

I was told not to hurt the heart of whom I love so much. But when I was so busy taking care of that heart, I never noticed that my own heart was slowly dying.

Life under a gray sky..

My grandpa passed away on Saturday, April 9th in the morning.  God bless his spirit and his soul as he makes his way back home to our Father.

I've been holding a lot of my emotions in on this.. I try not to talk about it because I know that I'll just cry.  I'll wait until I'm with our whole family in Oshkosh, WI.  I miss grandpa so much already.  Although, I'm happy for him because... he doesn't have to feel the pain anymore.  He's finally free and happy, watching down on all of us.  I just want to thank you grandpa for doing everything that you've ever done for us.  For loving each and every one of us.  --- It was probably thanks to your genes that any of us even had talent lol.  Thank you for everything.  I love you so much and you will always be missed.  Your blood forever flows in us, and we'll never forget you.  Rest in Peace.


___________________________

I know he isn't great with words, but the least a person could do is say, "I am sorry for your lost, or I'm sorry to hear about your Grandpa" .. or to just hold me when he sees me.  But, I guess this is his way of doing it.. which is fine.  It's just the person he is, and we handle things differently most of the time.  It's fine, but I won't forget.. you know?


xoxo love, emily

I love you Grandpa.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOM & DAD

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST BEST PARENTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!

-- my mom's actual birthday was April 5th and my dad's was just yesterday April 9th


I am so thankful to have such encouraging, loving, and caring parents.  They always try their best to understand me and to help me as much as possible with anything I need help with.  Sometimes in the past I took them for granted, but I'm a little bit more grown now.. and I couldn't imagine my life without them.  I love you Mom and Dad!


------ hahaha today my dad came home .. this is what he said:

"Hi mi ntxaig! (baby girl, is what it pretty much means)"  He comes up to me and says, "If you ever get hungry at school you can eat these as little snacks."  I look at them and I thought they were granola bars.  Until I saw the label and it said "SLIM FAST!" hahahahaha..... I was like.. dad I know I'm gaining weight, but I've been working out for the past two days! lol... he was like "Actually I just can't eat the peanut or something in it.. it doesn't really work out for me, so just take it and eat it as a snack anyways.  And you're not fat.  hahahaha...."

that was one of my highlights of the night lol.


xoxo love, emily

Should I...

He's got his ticket for a passenger flight,
On his way up north on a Friday night.
He won't look back, he's smiling too hard
With his eyes rolled back, sippin' on his wine..

He mentioned that he never wanted to return
Back to this place where the soils burn
One look at me and he offered his hand,
But I couldn't take it and he doesn't know...

My world isn't as bright with him gone
Dwelling on our memories from dusk til dawn.
Thinking about regrets and what he said
Everyday until the day he left.
I swear, everything about us was always real,
But love can't tell reality how to feel.
Happiness is only what I wanted him to have,
So I let him go and now we're just the past..

He said he's staying here for only me.
But love is not selfish and I couldn't let him be
Unhappy with the fact that he was so far,
From where he first left his prideful heart.

My world isn't as bright with him gone

Dwelling on our memories from dusk til dawn.

Thinking about regrets and what he said

Everyday until the day he left.

I swear, everything about us was always real,

But love can't tell reality how to feel.

Happiness is only what I wanted him to have,

So I let him go and now we're just the past..

......

xoxo love, emily

I need, I need, I need.

(I'm sorry, I have been venting a lot lately.. but please forgive me)

I sound so needy because of the things I want.  It's just that, they're not big things, but just little things.  Good communication, support, encouragement, and things around that area.  Yes, I understand that it was my choice to do all the activities that I do, but if those activities are what I love and make me the person that I am... why not just support me just a little bit in what I do?  If a person respected you, they would respect the things you are involved in or interested in.  I try my best to show full support in everything that a specific person does, and (I'm not going to say I don't get any) I guess I just don't get as much as I give.  You know... which is okay.  Sometimes it's just better giving more than receiving right?  It makes me feel better.  But when I sit back and look at the whole picture, I just feel like one end is tilting down lower than the other end.  In this type of relationship, it should at least be somewhat equal.  Or maybe in just my opinion it should be that way.  I guess it also falls back on a person's personality and what they want out of something.

Ah, geeze look at all these mixed up thoughts.  Well I guess I've just been feeling iffy lately.  I'm happy and I feel good about it, but when I look at the whole picture... some of it doesn't seem to make me feel super happy.  I've honestly tried my best in the past years to put interest in what ____ was interested in.  The things _____ was going to do, plans for the future, and just... pretty much anything.    _______ has interest in mine too, but sometimes I feel like it's because I force ____ to.  I feel selfish for feeling like this, but what's wrong with being selfish sometimes?  I've been pretty selfless for the past few years, and I don't think it's wrong to take initiative of my life now and be selfish.  Why can't I just hear a "How's this coming along?" or simply just a "How's your day" or "Any new events coming up that you will be doing?"  BUT, I also don't want it to be forced.  It makes me feel worse when a person is only asking it because they feel like they have to, in order to please me.  If you ask, I want it to be because you really mean it.  Maybe I'm asking for too much, but maybe I don't have to ask.  I don't want to change anyone to perfectly be fit to me.  It's been a while and I've grown a lot.  It's like what _______ said back then.  "Eventually she'll start to learn what she likes and what she doesn't like.  She'll learn about what she wants."  And little bit little, I'm picking up some pieces and looking at it... and I don't want some, but I do want some other pieces.  But I can't just  grab a whole new piece that wasn't even part of that certain pile and try to glue it together.  It'd be unreal .... leading to an unreal _________.

I can see it, but I can't.. It's a little sad.  I'm a family-oriented person too.  Actually... I'll just stop here.  I'm just unstable.  To add onto this, my only grandpa is in the hospital again.  He has been fighting lung cancer and sicknesses for over 10 years now.  The other day he ate some rice porridge, and started choking and couldn't breath.  They rushed him to the hospital.  The docs said the food can't process down to the stomach anymore, and so it went the wrong way and got stuck in his lungs.  He can no longer eat or drink anything.  So the family had a tough discussion: Do we let grandpa starve and eventually decide when it is his time to go?  Or do we let him go through surgery so they can put food through a tube to this stomach, knowing that he has a 50/50 chance of waking back up?  He just had his surgery today, but I haven't heard any news yet.  I'm hoping that the surgery went successfully.  I keep praying to God every night to help my grandpa through these hard times in this hospital.  God knows when it'll be his time to go to Heaven.  My grandpa has been fighting so much that I feel it may just be better if he let go, so the pain would go away.  It hurts me so much to say it, but he's already in so much pain.  I just want my grandpa to be good and content.  But (it's a little selfish) I was really looking forward to the party our family was going to do for him and grandma this June.  I really wanted to see him, hug him, and kiss his hand.  He is the father of my huge family on my mom's side, and I respect and love him so much.  I just don't want it to ever the be the end for anyone that I love.. So if you're reading this, please pray for my Grandpa and his health.  Thank you so much.


I pray to God for strength and courage.  For Him to help guide me in the direction that He feels I should go towards.  To bless me with the confidence that I need to overcome obstacles I can't seem to figure out.  To hold me when times are tough, and all I can do is cry on His shoulders.  To hold my hands and walk through the dark tunnel with me, and show me the ways of coming back into the light. I pray for God to bless me in everything that I do, and to help me become a better person each and everyday.  I know that I'm not perfect, but with Him next to me.. I have someone perfect to look up to and to follow.  This I pray in Jesus' name, Amen.


XOXO Love, emily