He's upset because I can't say right now whether or not I'm thinking about marriage. His real reason of moving is because his mom and him think that I won't ever be able to see him as my husband. She says that because she said she's never seen a girl who dated a guy for so long, and not want to get married to him. I never said I didn't want to, I'm just not ready to. So therefore, I don't think about it. Is that a crime? David says the longer we wait, the farther we'll fall apart. If our love was that strong, we'd never fall apart because we weren't married. Getting married is just another way to seal the deal and to finally claim me as "his". I don't want to get married until I feel like me and the other person were mentally ready for a true commitment and that there would never be a love better than ours. I'm just not ready. Sheesh, I'm not even ready to get a real job in the real world. How could I be ready for marriage? I told him there's no rush. He said he's not waiting past 3 years. Was it wrong to ask him... why is he still here then? I told him the truth though.. if anyone ever caught his attention in MN.. I told him to tell me because I don't want to be the reason of holding back something that could turn into something beautiful. And he said the same goes for me.
But really... is waiting to get married that horrible? Or should I feel guilty for not thinking about marriage yet? ... His mom doesn't think I fully love him. HAHA. I laughed when he said that.. then started crying. No one knows what me and david have gone through. and the all the things I did for him for these past 6 years. If he ever finds another girl who went through what I went through, I'd approve of her in less than a second. I'm still here in this relationship because I love him! If I didn't, it would've ended a long time ago. . .
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
he says I'm messed up if I break up with him.
if i told him to stay.. he'd have to think about it.
having only 3 hours of two days during the week to see me isn't worth it.
he mine as well just move.
are we going to work a long distance relationship or what?
we'll bust a mona and lorzone..
too bad our relationship isn't as stable as theirs..
but i'll try. we'll see how far we go and how well we do.
one thing's for sure.. I'm going to study in South Korea/ or Japan. And that's that.
He says it's different because he's only 9 hours away.. and Japan is across the seas.
Same difference, it's a long distance relationship. . . . .
how to think, what to do, how to feel......
emily
if i told him to stay.. he'd have to think about it.
having only 3 hours of two days during the week to see me isn't worth it.
he mine as well just move.
are we going to work a long distance relationship or what?
we'll bust a mona and lorzone..
too bad our relationship isn't as stable as theirs..
but i'll try. we'll see how far we go and how well we do.
one thing's for sure.. I'm going to study in South Korea/ or Japan. And that's that.
He says it's different because he's only 9 hours away.. and Japan is across the seas.
Same difference, it's a long distance relationship. . . . .
how to think, what to do, how to feel......
emily
Monday, May 9, 2011
If anything happens... I'm probably going to be scared to fall in love again.
Give me a few years and I might try to do it again... but after a relationship like this.. it's gonna take some time to heal and truly get over all of it. It would be unfair to the next guy... I don't want a rebound.
God, please stand with me throughout this obstacle that's coming my way. On days when I can't walk anymore, I hope that you can carry me as I cry on your shoulders. I'm putting all of my trust in you Lord. Please take me to where you feel I should be. Thank you for everything that you've done for me and for loving me. I don't deserve anything that you've given me. So thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Amen.
Give me a few years and I might try to do it again... but after a relationship like this.. it's gonna take some time to heal and truly get over all of it. It would be unfair to the next guy... I don't want a rebound.
God, please stand with me throughout this obstacle that's coming my way. On days when I can't walk anymore, I hope that you can carry me as I cry on your shoulders. I'm putting all of my trust in you Lord. Please take me to where you feel I should be. Thank you for everything that you've done for me and for loving me. I don't deserve anything that you've given me. So thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Amen.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Everyone's just walking out of my life..
If anything sounds crazy.. it's probably just because my head is spinning like crazy right now.. I have so many mixed emotions.. I'm happy for him and it is the best choice... but it's selfish to say that I'm going to feel so lonely...
Now I'm coming up with all of these crazy conclusions...
- Why, now so suddenly did he decide that he could move back? WITHOUT even taking the time to discuss any of this with his "so called girlfriend of 6 years?!?" .. I mean.. we are adults now, and I'm one of the most understanding people there is if he would just explain to me! ....
- It's understandable that he's going to start to make a lot of new friends .. guys and girls. The girls won't know me.. so if they have any interest in him, I'm sure they'll still shoot to see if they can make it happen or not. And if he's mad at me.... I'm worried that any girl will take their advantages when they're all drunk or whatever... Honestly... I don't know if we're stable enough to take on a long-distance relationship. Or maybe I'm just not strong enough to.
BUT IT'S SO SELFISH AND UNFAIR OF HIM! --- how could he just go up north and start finding schools to go to and try to get everything figured out without me?..... it makes me so sad because I feel like anything I say now is worthless to his decision... or anything is worthless period because he couldn't even talk to me about it before finding schools... I wouldn't be so angry if he would've just sat down and told me how he truly felt and that he wanted to go back. I would've felt a little happier with that. but now I just feel worthless. When I wanted to go to Japan, I talked to him about it. AND even though he knew how much I wanted to go.. he had the guts to give me an ultimatum of "It's either me or Japan." Are you kidding me?! ...... Gosh I don't even care what david says to me about going to Japan or Korea anymore. If I was immature, I'd just go ahead and plan everything out and get accepted and tell him 3 months before, "oh and.. hey! I'm going to Korea in 3 months for a semester/year! Have fun sulking with sadness then!" ughhhh...... was hiding it from me the really best thing to do? ... I know he was eventually going to tell me, but AFTER planning everything?! GAH! and he just moved out this weekend.
And I was reading in one of his messages to his cousins... His cousin wanted to meet more girls from the U.S. and he said.. "Don't worry. I'm moving back to MN soon. so when I make more girl friends I'll introduce you to them." Yes there's not much meaning in that message... but just the fact that he'll be around more girls... he'll have more selections... and blah blah blah i'm just being an immature insecure person. i should stop this madness....
Truthfully though... when he does move back this summer... I'm left with 2 choices.. should I go on with this relationship? Or should I leave him be and let him go free? I know he doesn't want to break up... but I don't want to ruin his chances... if he meets someone and honestly does like her for who she is... I don't want to stand in the way of that. It would be even more difficult for the both of us then. And the same goes for me. I don't know if he'd actually think that way for me, but that's how I'd think for him. I just know there is someone else out there who will be more compatible with him, and will make him actually "smile" more and laugh. I think he realizes that I can't do that for him anymore, so he is finally moving back.
I'm so distracted by this that I can't study for my final t omorrow... ughh... i can't wait til finals is over so I can just sit down, watch some asian dramas, cry and eat ice cream!
xoxo love, emily
Now I'm coming up with all of these crazy conclusions...
- Why, now so suddenly did he decide that he could move back? WITHOUT even taking the time to discuss any of this with his "so called girlfriend of 6 years?!?" .. I mean.. we are adults now, and I'm one of the most understanding people there is if he would just explain to me! ....
- It's understandable that he's going to start to make a lot of new friends .. guys and girls. The girls won't know me.. so if they have any interest in him, I'm sure they'll still shoot to see if they can make it happen or not. And if he's mad at me.... I'm worried that any girl will take their advantages when they're all drunk or whatever... Honestly... I don't know if we're stable enough to take on a long-distance relationship. Or maybe I'm just not strong enough to.
BUT IT'S SO SELFISH AND UNFAIR OF HIM! --- how could he just go up north and start finding schools to go to and try to get everything figured out without me?..... it makes me so sad because I feel like anything I say now is worthless to his decision... or anything is worthless period because he couldn't even talk to me about it before finding schools... I wouldn't be so angry if he would've just sat down and told me how he truly felt and that he wanted to go back. I would've felt a little happier with that. but now I just feel worthless. When I wanted to go to Japan, I talked to him about it. AND even though he knew how much I wanted to go.. he had the guts to give me an ultimatum of "It's either me or Japan." Are you kidding me?! ...... Gosh I don't even care what david says to me about going to Japan or Korea anymore. If I was immature, I'd just go ahead and plan everything out and get accepted and tell him 3 months before, "oh and.. hey! I'm going to Korea in 3 months for a semester/year! Have fun sulking with sadness then!" ughhhh...... was hiding it from me the really best thing to do? ... I know he was eventually going to tell me, but AFTER planning everything?! GAH! and he just moved out this weekend.
And I was reading in one of his messages to his cousins... His cousin wanted to meet more girls from the U.S. and he said.. "Don't worry. I'm moving back to MN soon. so when I make more girl friends I'll introduce you to them." Yes there's not much meaning in that message... but just the fact that he'll be around more girls... he'll have more selections... and blah blah blah i'm just being an immature insecure person. i should stop this madness....
Truthfully though... when he does move back this summer... I'm left with 2 choices.. should I go on with this relationship? Or should I leave him be and let him go free? I know he doesn't want to break up... but I don't want to ruin his chances... if he meets someone and honestly does like her for who she is... I don't want to stand in the way of that. It would be even more difficult for the both of us then. And the same goes for me. I don't know if he'd actually think that way for me, but that's how I'd think for him. I just know there is someone else out there who will be more compatible with him, and will make him actually "smile" more and laugh. I think he realizes that I can't do that for him anymore, so he is finally moving back.
I'm so distracted by this that I can't study for my final t omorrow... ughh... i can't wait til finals is over so I can just sit down, watch some asian dramas, cry and eat ice cream!
xoxo love, emily
Monday, May 2, 2011
In the soils ...
I'm quite emotional today. Two funerals in one weekend, one being very unexpected. On and off I'll just feel like crying. I'll blog more later about this and my grandpa's funeral this weekend. Today is just a bad day... And a sad one .
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