I'm quite emotional today. Two funerals in one weekend, one being very unexpected. On and off I'll just feel like crying. I'll blog more later about this and my grandpa's funeral this weekend. Today is just a bad day... And a sad one .
April 29, 2011
I walked into the funeral home, wondering whether or not if I had enough courage to go look in my grandpa's casket. I've always had this fear of looking into the casket. I just never felt like I should because I'm the type of person to think about it at night time before I fall asleep. So sometimes my imaginations can really scare me. But as I walked into the funeral home, I saw a body out on the floor next to where my cousins and family were bowing at. I was wondering... is this a new tradition? What or who do they have laying on the open floor? As I walked closer, I only realized that it was my grandpa. My family had decided to do it the very traditional Hmong way, and had his body out for everyone to examine it first. There had to be a ritual ceremony by the casket before his body was put in it. It was a little awkward at first, but after a while... it kind of became.. comforting. It was the last time ever that I would be that close to my grandpa before we officially had him pass on into his next life.
When we were xyoming (xyom - having two small sticks and bowing down to a certain part of a song that was being played. It helped us gain our last blessings from grandpa.) I saw my grandma [grandpa's first wife] pull up a chair to look at grandpa. I saw one of her tears shed as her lips quivered with sorrow.. and that's when a tear fell out of my eye and I started to cry. Right at that moment was when I witnessed the true meaning of losing a loved one. Grandma's first love.. lying right in front of her. My grandma was always upset at grandpa for marrying a second and third wife. She always spoke to me that he never loved her and that she resented him for that.. but her speech gave away the mask that she was trying to wear throughout all of these years.
I cry every time I think of the things she said in her speech. I can't remember it word for word, but I'll summarize it. She was given the mic, and she called out (this was all in hmong) "Tus hlub es, tus hlub es.." My love, oh my love.. " Ua cas hnub nos, koj yuav ncais kuv mus lawm os." Why, today you have gone and left me here. My life was so dark and gloomy in the past, I just wanted to fall off the cliff that I was on.. but you came and pulled me up. If I knew it was going to come to this, you should've just let me fall. ~~~ Remember when we talked about building that beautiful house for the both of us to live in? Are you there now? Are you in our beautiful house just waiting for me? .. Please wait for me because one day, I will be there with you... ~~~ But since you're leaving me for good now.. I 'll just try to feel like it's just you leaving to go to the army again.. and I'll be waiting for you. So hurry back to me because until then, I will be missing you.. But when you go to heaven, please make it there safely. I'll miss you dearly..
It was a lot more meaningful in person and of course I didn't say everything she said, but it just really touched my heart. Grandma always put on such a tough front whenever she talked about grandpa and that she disliked things he did, but now I know.. that deep inside.. she truly loved him so much. Even today my mom told me that she is still depressed. The food she eats isn't as good anymore and so she's not eating as much or talking as much anymore. Every time I saw her, I just wanted to give her a big hug, but she was always talking with someone. For sure next time when I see her though, I want to have a deep conversation with her on her story with her and grandpa. Their love and how they grew up. I want to know everything. I love them so much and regret not being able to spend more time with grandpa growing up and being able to conversate with him. That's a regret I don't want to have with either of grandmas, so thats what I plan to do with both of them. I miss them so much already.. and my grandpa.
Although it was a bittersweet weekend, it was really great bonding with all the Vang family again and reconnecting with everyone. It's been about 10 years since we've reunited and this time.. it wasn't for a good reason. So now a lot of the grandkids (my generation) are determined to create a family reunion for everyone to gather again. We don't want to reunite again ... for another funeral if it was to happen. So I hope between now and the next 5 years, we can make another reunion. A big picnic or something close to that. Until then, I hope that everyone continues on with only good things in their life.
xoxo love, emily
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