If anything sounds crazy.. it's probably just because my head is spinning like crazy right now.. I have so many mixed emotions.. I'm happy for him and it is the best choice... but it's selfish to say that I'm going to feel so lonely...
Now I'm coming up with all of these crazy conclusions...
- Why, now so suddenly did he decide that he could move back? WITHOUT even taking the time to discuss any of this with his "so called girlfriend of 6 years?!?" .. I mean.. we are adults now, and I'm one of the most understanding people there is if he would just explain to me! ....
- It's understandable that he's going to start to make a lot of new friends .. guys and girls. The girls won't know me.. so if they have any interest in him, I'm sure they'll still shoot to see if they can make it happen or not. And if he's mad at me.... I'm worried that any girl will take their advantages when they're all drunk or whatever... Honestly... I don't know if we're stable enough to take on a long-distance relationship. Or maybe I'm just not strong enough to.
BUT IT'S SO SELFISH AND UNFAIR OF HIM! --- how could he just go up north and start finding schools to go to and try to get everything figured out without me?..... it makes me so sad because I feel like anything I say now is worthless to his decision... or anything is worthless period because he couldn't even talk to me about it before finding schools... I wouldn't be so angry if he would've just sat down and told me how he truly felt and that he wanted to go back. I would've felt a little happier with that. but now I just feel worthless. When I wanted to go to Japan, I talked to him about it. AND even though he knew how much I wanted to go.. he had the guts to give me an ultimatum of "It's either me or Japan." Are you kidding me?! ...... Gosh I don't even care what david says to me about going to Japan or Korea anymore. If I was immature, I'd just go ahead and plan everything out and get accepted and tell him 3 months before, "oh and.. hey! I'm going to Korea in 3 months for a semester/year! Have fun sulking with sadness then!" ughhhh...... was hiding it from me the really best thing to do? ... I know he was eventually going to tell me, but AFTER planning everything?! GAH! and he just moved out this weekend.
And I was reading in one of his messages to his cousins... His cousin wanted to meet more girls from the U.S. and he said.. "Don't worry. I'm moving back to MN soon. so when I make more girl friends I'll introduce you to them." Yes there's not much meaning in that message... but just the fact that he'll be around more girls... he'll have more selections... and blah blah blah i'm just being an immature insecure person. i should stop this madness....
Truthfully though... when he does move back this summer... I'm left with 2 choices.. should I go on with this relationship? Or should I leave him be and let him go free? I know he doesn't want to break up... but I don't want to ruin his chances... if he meets someone and honestly does like her for who she is... I don't want to stand in the way of that. It would be even more difficult for the both of us then. And the same goes for me. I don't know if he'd actually think that way for me, but that's how I'd think for him. I just know there is someone else out there who will be more compatible with him, and will make him actually "smile" more and laugh. I think he realizes that I can't do that for him anymore, so he is finally moving back.
I'm so distracted by this that I can't study for my final t omorrow... ughh... i can't wait til finals is over so I can just sit down, watch some asian dramas, cry and eat ice cream!
xoxo love, emily
No comments:
Post a Comment